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I’m Just Going To Put It Out There: I’m NOT Ready To Get Married

Sex/Love

I’m Just Going To Put It Out There: I’m NOT Ready To Get Married

Jun 15, 2016
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Is there something in the water around here that’s suddenly making everyone feel like they need to put on a big ring and a white dress and haul ass down the aisle? What’s the deal, you guys?

I feel like every day, I open my Instagram feed and there is another couple I went to high school or college with grinning goofily at each other with some sort of caption about how they “are so excited they found their prince charming” and “can’t wait to spend forever together!”

… You guys are stressing. me. out.
Considering I don’t have a job, just found out that I’m basically being evicted from my apartment and have secretly moved back in with my parents without them realizing it…. I’m not exactly “ready” to settle down with a life partner.

It also took my boyfriend and I 45 minutes today to determine if we were “ready” to give a joint thank you gift, which is about as big of a life decision as I can handle right now. (We decided to go for it, but I Venmoed charged him for half of it and said, “THIS DOESN’T CHANGE ANYTHING.” #babysteps)

Besides not being mentally even close to ready for marriage, I can’t imagine any scenario where I wouldn’t feel completely ridiculous walking around with an big-ass diamond on my hand. It simply wouldn’t feel appropriate to be rocking a 5+ Carat diamond while, say, chugging beers out of a Flabongo or taking body shots off of my college roommate.

Considering I won’t settle for anything less than an ENORMOUS diamond (we’re talking Elizabeth Taylor/Mariah Carey huge) I think it’s best that I wait until I’m ol2011-07-29-14-38-57-5-the-socialite-as-well-as-scandalous-heiress-receivd enough to be trusted with something so valuable, because realistically I would probably lose it on the dance floor at 310 Bowery or while skinny dipping outside of the Sloppy Tuna.

When I see people my age or younger getting engaged, I panic. Not in the “holy shit I need to get a ring on my finger, STAT” kind of way — but more in a “WTF are you people doing, we’re way too young for this,” kind of way.

… But then I realize I’m 25, and that’s not really that young, especially considering the lady at the grocery store has all of a sudden started calling me “ma’am” and my dermatologist is constantly suggesting that I add all kinds of anti-aging serums to my beauty routine. (Bitches.)

If you are going to decide to get engaged and plaster photos all over Instagram, I have a few requests that, as an objective bystander who lovesssss to gossip about this kind of stuff, I would like to make.

First and foremost, at least have the decency to post a picture of your ring. If not a full on ring shot (because, let’s face it, those are kind of tacky) at least angle the photo in a way that I can zoom in really close on the diamond and send the screenshot to my various group threads. I don’t have a lot going on these days, so please give me the one small pleasure of being able to appropriately check out your rock.

As for the caption: For the love of God, none of that cliché “I said yes!” bullshit. Give me a little spice! Get creative! You’ve just presumably had the happiest moment of your entire life — go crazy! And please, use more than one exclamation point.

When it comes to wedding hashtags, I’m generally a fan, but when you put a hashtag up IMMEDIATELY with your engagement photo it makes me suuuuuuper uncomfortable. Like, how long were you waiting for that ring?! Long enough to have brainstormed a list in the notes section of your phone with possible hashtags in it?! Did you guys talk about your wedding hashtag before you got engaged?! Play it a little cooler. Seriously.

If you ask me, the absolute best way to share your engagement on social media is to include a detailed account of your proposal story. This has multiple benefits: First and foremost, my personal enjoyment (again, not a whole lot going on in East Greenwich, Rhode Island these days). But also, it should serve as a kick in the ass to any guy thinking of going with a lazy “we were just laying on the couch and I handed her the ring” proposal situation. No girl wants that, and no one wants to read about it on Instagram, so this should serve to inspire all those ring-weielding dudes out there to step up their game. (Just in case my future husband ever reads this, I want a skywriter and/or a a bevy of white doves flying over head)

Let’s be clear: I’m not one to judge. If you’ve found the one and are ready to settle down, I respect that. You are probably also responsible enough to keep a house plant alive for more than 4 days, separate your trash from your recycling every time and remember to regularly buy toilet paper — Congratulations, you’re an adult (the bar at which I set “adulthood” is apparently very low).

…. See ya on the other side in 10-15 years.

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