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@Boys: It’s Time To Talk About Sleepovers

Sex/Love

@Boys: It’s Time To Talk About Sleepovers

Aug 31, 2015
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As someone who has now done quite a bit of grown-up dating (so much so that apparently I’m an expert on the subject — thanks, Huffington Post) I’ve had my fair share co-ed sleepovers. Before you get judgmental, it’s not like my apartment is a revolving door of dudes (let’s be honest, most of the time it’s more of a locked gate) but I’ve had a few boyfriends in the last few years, most of whom I’ve written about, and won’t pretend I’m saving myself for marriage. After all, we’re all adults here and its 2015. (Nana, if you’re reading this, Sorry!!)

All that said, there is something I want to address: Somewhere between Hinge matching and Tinder swiping, chivalry died. WTF you guys?! It’s as if our whole generation simply never learned how to act when they’re left alone with women (girls? am I old enough yet to refer to myself as a “woman?”). The last few people I’ve had sleep over (yes, in the “adult” sense of the word) have acted like absolute animals in my apartment (not in the good way.), and haven’t behaved much better in their own. Cover hogging and incessant cuddling are the least  of the problems. So, I’ve decided to try and do something to fix it.

These are my personal sleepover pet peeves (which after talking to friends, actually seem to be pretty universal) that I’m sharing with the internet in the hopes that at least someone will learn from them. You’re welcome, ladies.

If You Sleep Here… 

Put The Toilet Seat Down

My roommate, who goes to work at 6am like a coal miner (#finance), has fallen into our toilet countless times because a guy I was dating left the seat up and she couldn’t see in the dark when she got up for work. Seriously, guys, your moms would be ashamed.

DON’T Linger

There have been boys in our apartment who have stuck around sleeping for so long on a weekend morning/afternoon that I’ve gotten up, gone to the gym, gotten ready and MADE THEM LUNCH. Unless you’re willing to watch last night’s episode of Scandal with me at 9am on Saturday morning, or are going to make me breakfast, get the hell out of my home. I have stuff to do.

Make My Bed. SERIOUSLY.

I RARELY leave boys alone in my apartment; I have way too much weird stuff in my room to trust them snooping around in there. But when I do (which happened once this summer because I “had to” get up and go to the Hamptons at 7am on a Saturday morning and let the guy I was dating keep sleeping) please, please make my bed. If I’m nice enough to let you stay in my apartment after I’ve gone, the least you can do is put my furry throw pillows back where they belong. I PROMISE if roles were reversed, any girl would do it for you.

Don’t Snoop

I’ll know. Girls always know.

Leave A Note

This isn’t a “must do,” but it is so, so nice when guys leave a note for me to see when I get home. ESPECIALLY if they leave it on top of my made bed (I mean, this has never actually happened to me, but I can imagine it would be awesome).

If I Sleep There…

PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN!!!

Seriously!!! Why does no one do this anymore?! We’re ladies (no matter what kind of other weird stuff we’re willing to do while we’re sleeping over). Show some respect. 

Offer Me A Toothbrush

If I’ve agreed to sleep at your apartment, I’ve already sacrificed my nightly facial routine and the chance for new contact lenses in the morning. At least give me a toothbrush so neither of us has to wakeup to my morning breath. 

… And Something To Sleep In

Some people like sleeping naked. I, personally, hate it. Give a girl the option to throw on a t-shirt, especially if you’re going to insist on trying to spoon her all night long. All that body-to-body contact is just… no. 

…. And Something To Walk Home In

As girls, walks of shame — or as I like to call them, “strides of pride” — are hard enough. It’s nice when we can at least show the world that the guy we slept with liked us enough to offer up a sweatshirt he knows he’ll never get back. Give me something to throw on over my “date clothes” (slutty black dress) that will make me look mildly less like a 9am streetwalker. Preferably a college lacrosse sweatshirt so I can brag to my friends that I hooked up with a guy who played for Harvard (KIDDING, though 21-year-old me would have loved that).

… And Walk Me To The Door

There is nothing, and I mean nothing worse, than having to walk of shame by a new guy’s doorman ALONE at 9am on a Saturday morning. At the very least, walk me to the door of your building. Bonus points if you help me get a cab (of everyone I’ve ever dated, only ONE guy has ever done this for me. Looking back on it, I really took his manners for granted. He still never put the toilet seat down, though.) and BONUS BONUS points if you take me to grab coffee. I’m not asking for a full brunch, just something to hold and focus on while I’m avoiding judgmental the stares of passersby on my walk home.

No Matter WHAT…

Kiss Me Goodbye!

When you leave,  my apartment or yours, say goodbye. If you’ve offered me a toothbrush, my breath should be fine.

Text Me The Next Day

If you have a sleepover over, especially for the first time and ESPECIALLY if we had sex, you better follow up the next day. At the very least shoot over a “thank you for having me” or a “thanks for coming over,” even if you never want to see the me again and especially if you do.

And Seriously… PUT THE DAMN TOILET SEAT DOWN.

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